“Go in to the king and speak to him in this fashion — ‘ and then Yo’av told her just what to say. When the woman of T’koa spoke to the king, she fell down with her face to the ground, prostrating herself, and said, ‘King, help!'”-2 Samuel 14:3-4
Following on the heals of yesterday’s post, Joab recruits a clever woman from T’koa to speak to the king.
She was to go to David with a heartbreaking story about her two pretend sons.
This reminds us of when Natan confronted David after his affair with Bathsheba and the murder of her husband.
Recall that Natan’s story was about a poor man and a rich man.
And how that rich man abused the poor man by taking his beloved pet goat from him.
The objective of the story was to set a trap where David would unwittingly accuse himself.
Well, that’s exactly what’s going on here.
To prepare, the clever woman was to change her appearance so it would look as if she were in mourning.
She didn’t bathe or put on any makeup.
She wore a sackcloth with ashes smeared all over it.
Then Jo’ab told her what to say to David.
It’s obvious Joab was the instigator of this from beginning to end.
There’s no way a common woman from a small town would be able to just show up and be granted an audience with the king.
I imagine David was thinking the same thing when he met her.
What in the world was so important that it required his royal attention?
Anyway, onward.
So, the woman shows up begging David for help.
David tells her to state her case.
She begins her tale about how she is a poor widow with two sons.
One day, her boys were out working in the fields when one killed the other.
There were no witnesses.
And no motive is given.
Nevertheless, the family of the now dead son wants justice.
In Torah terms, this means the other family is demanding that the surviving son (the murderer) be turned over to the blood avenger or GO’EL HADAM.
If that happens, for sure the remaining son will be killed in vengeance.
And the widow will end up childless.
The tragic result is that…
“My husband will have neither name nor survivor anywhere on earth”…
Why was this so tragic?
In those days, a woman’s survival depended on men.
Without sons, she would have no one to care for her as she grew older.
Keep in mind, ancient Israel wasn’t a welfare state.
Family was the primary source of support.
Widows, orphans, and the poor were to be cared for by the community.
Here are the Torah references supporting this.
“At the end of every three years, you are to take all the tenths of your produce from that year and store it in your towns. Then the Levi, because he has no share or inheritance like yours, along with the foreigner, the orphan, and the widow living in your towns, will come, eat and be satisfied — so that Adonai your God will bless you in everything your hands produce.”-Deuteronomy 14:28-29
“After you have separated a tenth of the crops yielded in the third year, the year of separating a tenth, and have given it to the Levi, the foreigner, the orphan and the widow, so that they can have enough food to satisfy them while staying with you; you are to say, in the presence of Adonai your God, ‘I have rid my house of the things set aside for God and given them to the Levi, the foreigner, the orphan and the widow, in keeping with every one of the mitzvot you gave me. I haven’t disobeyed any of your mitzvot or forgotten them.”-Deuteronomy 26:12-13
On top of that, although the Law of Moses does not explicitly state that children are legally obligated to care for their widowed mother in old age…
It does strongly imply a moral and familial responsibility, especially when considered alongside the broader values in the Torah and the rest of the Hebrew Scriptures.
This leads to today’s takeaway and a question that a lot of adult children struggle with.
What if the mother or widow in question was an abusive and narcissistic person?
Many people wrestle with how to apply biblical commands like “Honor your father and mother” when their parents have been abusive, manipulative, or downright toxic.
So what does Scripture require in a case like that?
The bottom line is “Honor” Does Not Mean Blind Obedience or Enabling Abuse.
Are you feeling me here, homies?
The Hebrew word for “honor” (kabed) means to “give weight to” or to “treat as significant.”
It does not mean tolerating sin, injustice, or enabling harmful behavior.
And speaking of the Law of Moses, it does NOT call for unconditional submission to parents.
If a parent was involved in idolatry, abuse, or other serious sin, their actions were to be confronted.
“If your brother the son of your mother, or your son, or your daughter, or your wife whom you love, or your friend who means as much to you as yourself, secretly tries to entice you to go and serve other gods, which you haven’t known, neither you nor your ancestors — gods of the peoples surrounding you, whether near or far away from you, anywhere in the world — you are not to consent, and you are not to listen to him; and you must not pity him or spare him; and you may not conceal him. Rather, you must kill him! Your own hand must be the first one on him in putting him to death, and afterwards the hands of all the people. You are to stone him to death, because he has tried to draw you away from Adonai your God, who brought you out of the land of Egypt, out of a life of slavery.”-Deuteronomy 13:6-11
So remember, there ain’t no command to endure abuse.
If a mother is widowed and abusive, adult children are not commanded to emotionally reconcile or become close, especially if it would put their well-being at risk.
“Honoring” her might involve ensuring she isn’t destitute, without subjecting yourself to manipulation or abuse.
But what if you’ve decided to go “no contact” with an abusive parent?
Well, let’s be clear about one thing, homie.
Going no contact with someone who harmed you…
Even if that person is your mother…
Is not a sin.
It is not dishonoring.
It is protecting your soul, your sanity, and your relationship with God.
If, for example, you survived covert incest…
That is a deep betrayal of emotional boundaries where a parent treats their child like a surrogate partner, confidant, or source of emotional support that should have come from an adult relationship.
That is abuse, plain and simple.
Scripture does not ask you to subject yourself to ongoing abuse for the sake of “honor.”
“What about the guilt I’m feeling for abandoning my parent?”
Understand that guilt isn’t coming from God.
And it doesn’t help that your abuser may sometimes weaponize the Scripture against you to make you feel guilty.
Remember, God is a righteous judge, not a manipulator.
I think a lot of us forget that it wasn’t above our Father in Heaven to destroy the entire world by flood, save for Noah and his family, when his children went hog wild outta control.
Ya feeling me here?
So the guilt you’re feeling is likely residue from grooming, cultural pressure, or religious misapplication of “honor your mother.”
God doesn’t demand emotional closeness with someone unsafe.
Yeshua honored the Law perfectly, but He didn’t keep toxic people close.
“He did not entrust himself to them,
because he knew what was in them.”
-John 2:24
You can honor truth, justice, and healing without pretending your abuser was a good parent.
You didn’t break the relationship.
Your abuser did.
You choosing distance is a response, not a rebellion.
You’re not “abandoning” your parent if you decide to go “no contact.”
You’re acknowledging that the relationship was built on a lie…
And you’re stepping out of that falsehood.
Remember, our God COMMANDS US TO SEPARATE FROM THE WICKED.
The next time we meet, we’ll continue with the story of the woman from Tekoa.
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