1S19-3: The Dangers Of Blind Allegiance To Evil Family Members

I wanna share a personal story.

Since I was a small child, I suffered terrible abuse at the hands of my mother, worse than anyone should ever experience.

Last summer, when I told a friend some of what happened over coffee, he said if the authorities knew, my mom would’ve been arrested, no question.

The violations were horrific…

My mother prancing around the house half naked dressed in only her underwear…

The prolonged mouth-to-mouth kissing sessions (I know!  Gross, right!)…

My mom jumping into bed with me dressed in skimpy nightgowns…

But it wasn’t just the physical abuse with strong sexual overtones I’m talking about.

The proper term for what I was subjected to is known in psychology as “Covert” or “Emotional” Incest.

Covert or emotional incest is when a parent relies on their child for emotional support in a way that’s too intense or inappropriate.

The parent treats the child as a partner or confidant instead of letting them “individuate” to use another psychological term.

The results later in life can be devastating.

This type of abuse prevents the growth and development of the child and in many cases destroys the possibility for intimate and romantic relationships with other women.

It is for this reason that some psychiatrists have gone on the record to say that…

“emotional covert incest is much worse than actual sexual overt incest because it’s unspoken, it’s unknown and so the child when he grows up and becomes an adult remains stuck and repeats the same kind of dysfunctional relationship with other partners”.

In my case, this abuse resulted in a complete failure my entire life to ever have any kind of healthy relationship with another woman and I developed into a full-blown sexual addict later in life.

Why?

Because I was brainwashed to think that having intimate and healthy sex with anyone but my mom was a betrayal of my mother.

It’s a deep-seated unconscious psychological thing…

If I ever get too close emotionally with another woman, I start to freak out because deep down inside I’m betraying my mother, the very one who gave life to me.

As a result, all the suppressed sexual energy that should find release through a healthy relationship with another woman transforms into destructive and addictive behaviors, which I won’t delve into the gritty specifics of here.

I’ve had friends tell me “Just get over it, man”.

Look, if it was that easy, I would’ve gotten over it.

Anyway, the point I wanted to make is in the beginning I had zero clarity about everything I just shared with you.

I didn’t think anything was wrong or immoral about the abuse I was subjected to.

I only gained perspective on the situation much later in life, when I started to explore and understand what had happened to me.

This inability of the abused to see their abuser clearly or without bias until later in life is quite common.

I’ve heard stories of children whose lives were utterly destroyed at the hands of alcoholic or drug-addicted parents.

Yet, common to all of these abused kids was their tendency to defend and make excuses for their parents’ horrendous behavior.

They were being taken care of in a rehabilitation center and against the advice of their caregivers would go back to the same abusive environment somehow convinced that things would be different when they returned.

I have operated similarly in defense of my mom.

“I cannot betray my mother by having a girlfriend.”

“I cannot betray my mother by being sexually attracted to another woman”

“I cannot abandon my mother.”

“She has no one else but me.” 

“I am the man in her life.”

“I should support her.”

Can you see how I was brainwashed to defend my abuser?

Even now feelings of guilt overwhelm me as I type these words.

Somehow it seems so difficult for human nature to accept the possibility that the humans who gave us life could be evil or depraved people who need to be separated from.

So connecting this to our scripture study, in this sense, Jonathan, was like all of us when it came to his feelings toward his father.

He was confused at how his father could conclude that David was a conniving rebel who needed to be killed…

Especially when all the evidence seemed to point to the contrary.

The problem was Jonathan viewed his father’s dark moods and outbursts as simply impulsive and fleeting behavior that didn’t reflect his true nature.

He still couldn’t see any danger to David.

He viewed his father’s words about killing David as nothing more than a moment of uncontrolled frustration…

Possibly brought about by all the pressure of being a king…

And that in due time, he would come to his senses and be restored to the decent and rational man he “knew” his dear papa to be.

That’s why Jonathan wanted to be a good son and reassure his father that David was a loyal, courageous, and righteous servant of the kingdom.

He also pointed out that if he did kill David, he would be guilty of spilling innocent blood which would curse both him and the land of Israel.

The Torah calls this “bloodguilt” and there is no atonement for this offense under the Levitical Law system.

So again, the lesson to be learned here is Jonathan failed to see the true evil nature of Saul…probably because he was his own flesh-and-blood father.

He was handcuffed by the commandment “Honor thy father and mother” in an unhealthy and wrong way.

That’s why he begged his dad to reconsider his crazy order to assassinate David.

And that’s why he accepted his father’s lie at face value when he said “As Adonai lives, David will not be put to death“…

Despite the fact Saul had already demonstrated clear homicidal intentions toward David when he tried to spear him.

Jonathan’s failure to see the ever-present evil in his father would put David in harm’s way again.

He cheerfully reported to David that all was well and that he should come back to the palace and resume his duties as the chief musician.

Although feeling apprehensive about the whole situation, David agreed…

But I’m sure deep down inside, he could feel something wasn’t quite right.

CONNECTING THIS TEACHING TO THE NEW TESTAMENT

“If anyone comes to me and
does not hate his own father
and mother and wife and children
and brothers and sisters,
yes, and even his own life,
he cannot be my disciple.”
-Luke 14:26

“Fathers, do not provoke
your children to anger,
but bring them up in the
discipline and instruction
of the Lord.”
-Ephesians 6:4

“And said, ‘Therefore a man shall
leave his father and his mother
and hold fast to his wife, and the
two shall become one flesh’?”
-Matthew 19:5

P.S. Would like to request prayers for the emotional abuse I was subjected to that I talked about in this article.  In terms of relationships, I still feel like a broken human being who has no hope of or is completely incapable of a healthy relationship with another woman.

I was watching a very informative YouTube video about the topic but it didn’t conclude with any hope.  The creator of that video concluded by saying…

“Emotional covert incest never stops even after the parent dies.  It’s a lifelong affliction that prevents the parentified adult child who is forced to play the surrogate husband to the mother from ever being a spouse to someone else.”

When I heard that, I was like “Thanks a lot man.  So I guess I’m screwed for life.”

Well, if the God we worship is truly the God of the impossible, I would appreciate your prayers of healing for a restored soul and psyche.  I do feel so handicapped emotionally in this area.  Shalom.